To Come or Not to Come: Female Sexuality and Pleasure

(Yes, I am going to talk about orgasms!)

Growing up, I remember several moments with my girlfriends or my cousins when we giggled about ‘those scenes’, watched the pirated version of Fifty Shades at home, or went shopping to try on outfits that we were not allowed to wear outside.

On many occasions, I felt emotions, urges, and desires for which I had not known a word. I could not explain it, and I never came across any of my female friends mention anything similar. It was not until my ex said, ‘masturbation’, and I exclaimed, “Oh that’s what it’s called!?”

How could have I known?
Every aspect of a woman’s sexuality is kept a secret.

And now, if I do speak about it, I am considered ‘modern’ or ‘easy’. There was a harrowing incident that involved me saying ‘no’ to a very persistent, older man, and his reply was, “How disappointing. I didn’t know you were this traditional’.

Why is it that there is only an either/or of a woman, i.e. ‘a sati-savitri’ and ‘a femme fatale’? Why is sexuality attached to our other beliefs?

What We Learn and See

On the other side of the world, Danish kids begin sex education as early as the age of 4. From learning about their bodies and the gender differences to consent and love.

A children-friendly book that talks about childbirth, sex, and contraception, written by P. H. Knudsen and Per Holm Knudsen.
A children-friendly book that talks about childbirth, sex, and contraception, written by P. H. Knudsen and Per Holm Knudsen.
By authors, P. H. Knudsen and Per Holm Knudsen.

Kids are naturally curious, and avoiding the talk only leads to them finding out about sex from unreliable sources. In our pop culture (films, books, etc.), sex is predominantly shown from the male perspective. Female pleasure is almost always shown to be achieved through penetrative sex and within a few minutes. (What even!)

Movies like ‘Lipstick Under My Burkha’ and ‘Veere di Wedding’ garnered attention for their ‘controversial’ scenes, with the former film being banned due to its ‘lady-oriented’ and ‘fantasies above life’ narrative.

Indian Central Board of Film Certification refused to certify a film for its explicit portrayal of female sexuality.
Indian Central Board of Film Certification refused to certify a film for its explicit portrayal of female sexuality.
Central Board’s Film Certification Refusal.

Fortunately, both films were released. The advent of films and series like ‘Lust Stories’, ‘Super Deluxe’, ‘Four More Shots Please’, show a positive step forward in portraying realistic versions of female sexuality.

What We Talk About and What We Should Be

To all the women readers. You cannot expect someone else to understand your body unless you know it yourself first. Exploring your needs will not only make you more confident in your skin, but it will also allow your partner to understand your wants better. Understand what you like, what you don’t like, or whether you like it at all!

An orgasm is not what you see or read about. It isn’t always that loud, knee-jerking, over-the-top, reaction that actors act out. And you definitely don’t always need sex (or a man) to have one. It’s about what satisfies and pleases you. And if you have questions or worries, try and speak to your friends about it or seek advice from a trusted professional.

To all the men. Honestly, just listen. Listen to what your partner likes and how they respond in different situations. If you’re unsure, ask. It does not make you any less of a man if you do not understand something.

Discussing it, respectfully (with boundaries and consent), with our friends and partners breaks the myths about female sexuality. It encourages non-judgmental spaces for future conversations for everyone. We might even learn a little something about the opposite gender. For instance, did you know that the sole purpose of the clitoris is to provide pleasure?

An entire organ designed only to feel good!

Can we please celebrate this amazing-ness?

Credits: Khaney Mein Kya Hai? Ft. Shikha Talsania | Blush

Creative Writer | Sex Talk Sunday Series | Film Enthusiast

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